Category: Joke Board
Important Rules for cats who Run the Household
DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer it with forepaws.
Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things.
This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.
GUESTS: Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that lap.
For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select fabric which contrasts well with your fur. For example: white-furred cats go to black wool clothing.
NOTE: Velvet takes precedence over all other cloth.
For the guest who exclaims, "I love kitties!" be ready with aloof disdain, apply claws to stockings or arms, or use a quick nip on the ankle.
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything -- just sit there and stare.
PLAY: This is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games. Below are listed below are several
cat games. It is important though to maintain one's Dignity at all times. If you should have an accident during play, such as falling off a chair, immediately
wash a part of your body as if to say "I MEANT to do that!" It fools those humans every time.
VACUUM CLEANER: This appalling Beast is known by many names, "Cat Eater" being the most prevalent. Humans will turn into raging monsters while under its
influence, sucking up all the carefully shed cat hair and terrorizing the feline residents with evil glee. All you can do is run and hide.
Occasionally, the humans are forced to open the vacuum cleaner and remove a swollen bag from within. This is its stomach, and must be destroyed at all costs.
Do not worry if the human yells at you, for the yell is really that of the Beast in pain.
SLEEPING HUMANS: It is known that sleeping humans are boring. The "direct approach" is nearly always successful in rejuvenating a dormant human. Do one
of the following:
Trample, purr, meow or head-butt. If the human is being stubborn, you may have to resort to more drastic tactics, such as ripping down posters, rattling
blinds, or singing at the top of your voice. Eventually the human will get up and do what you want, usually in a disgruntle manner.
ILLNESS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good.
When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is longer then a human's bare foot
I like it. and they do a lot of these things